Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
