All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
