I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
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Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
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Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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