kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
