I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
