please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Blood and glitter go together right?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
