I accidentally had phone sex last night
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
