im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
