im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
