Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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