I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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