I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
