why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
