i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
