I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
