the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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