Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
