i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
