Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
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It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
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Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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