remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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