To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
