2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
