so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
