I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You can't just leave with hair like that
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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