Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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