did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
