They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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