i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
and she was petting her beer can
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
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why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
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I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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