My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
