Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
