i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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