I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
