I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
