You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
