Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So squirting runs in the family.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
