I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize