Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
