I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
