The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
PANTIES FOUND
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