3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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