Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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