Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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