Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
