Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
