I think my vagina is haunted
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
