i need an iv and a liver transplant
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
