tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
