you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
