Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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