Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
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she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
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I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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