Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
