My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I love you. Go after that dick
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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